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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27324886">They play soccer in Middle Earth, too!</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilReceptionistOfDoom/pseuds/EvilReceptionistOfDoom'>EvilReceptionistOfDoom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Announcers, Bickering, Comedy, Dragons, Football | Soccer, Gen, Good clean fun, Grey Mountains, Hilarity Ensues, Hobbits, Mirkwood, Mordor, Moria | Khazad-dûm, Radio, Rohan, Silly Names, Sports, The Shire, Wizards, World Cup, catty commentators, it's a bloodbath, pointless history, referees, this is a very silly story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:20:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,573</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27324886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvilReceptionistOfDoom/pseuds/EvilReceptionistOfDoom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which are collected broadcast transcripts for three matches of the 1453rd Arda World Cup Semifinals.</p><p><b>Rohan vs. Moria:</b> Who will proceed towards the Arda Cup semifinals? Who will not survive the tournament? Will weapons be disallowed from the field? Does the goal count if your horse kicks it in?<br/><b>Mirkwood vs. Mordor:</b> Will the orcs learn to manage their anger? How many red cards can one player actually recieve? Is the goal still legal if the player who makes it is dead?<br/><b>Hobbits vs. Dragons:</b> What happens if your goalie eats the ref? Will our small friends survive? And what does roasted hobbit actually smell like?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Rohan vs. Moria</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>An import from ff.net, where each match is its own story.  These were written during the 2006 FIFA World Cup, when I was actually a receptionist and had a lot of free time.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-PREGAME-</p><p>"Hello and welcome to the 1,453rd Arda Cup soccer tournament quarterfinals. This match will be the first of the second round, deciding who proceeds to the semifinals: Rohan or Moria. Will the dwarves of Balin overcome their hereditary disadvantages, or will the Rohirrim favorites manage to hold on to their chance at their 8th Arda Cup victory? Stay tuned!"</p><p>"Hello, we're coming to you live from Redhorn Gate Stadium on a balmy summer afternoon - it's 68 degrees [F], the grass is dry, and it's perfect weather for football! I'm Athonin Merrypus-"</p><p>"-and I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"</p><p>"-and we'll be your commentators for this first quarterfinal match of the 2760 [Third Age] Arda Cup tournament. Let's review the situation so far."</p><p>"Well, yesterday Mirkwood knocked Lonely Mountain out of the the running, and after Iron Hills' disappointing loss to Near Harad on Wednesday, this match will decide whether the dwarves have any chance of all at winning the Cup. The Iron Hills team was the dwarven favorite this year, but Moria's upset victory over Laketown showed Middle Earth that the mithril mines can produce some surprising moves."</p><p>"Indeed! Boron Clovenbeard's impressive goal Thursday may not have been strictly regulation, but as the ref pointed out, there are no rules expressly forbidding the use of an ax as a club with which to knock the ball down the pitch. We can expect to see more of this in the game today, though MEFA [Middle Earth Football Association] will likely amend the official law book before the next Arda Cup rolls around."</p><p>"There was also some fancy footwork with Rohan last week, as the horse-lords shut out the Misty Mountains goblin team 3-0. The Rohirrim were up to their usual horseplay, if you'll pardon the pun, with a spectacular bicycle-kick by Ulric Son of Ulmar to clinch the victory at the end."</p><p>"And an easy victory it was, too! The MM goblins had three red cards in the course of the match, which put them at two less players after Rohan lost Hatha Son of Hathilda to a red card when Son of Hathilda beheaded the opposing team's keeper. Halla Son of Hallnar is still in critical condition following a retributive foul by MM captain Gorthom, who was also red-carded. With Misty Mountains keeper Klugblatt being the twelfth player killed in this year's tournament, MEFA is seriously considering amending the rules to forbid players from bringing weapons onto the field."</p><p>"Such a great change in the rules will probably see massive protest from the fans, though. Weaponry are part of the enjoyment of the sport. Why, who can forget the 1982 Cup final, when Ellinor Son of Caramor slew the entire Mordor team, ensuring a victory for Gondor at his own expense, as enraged Mordorran fans tore him limb from limb? That, in my opinion, is the true spirit of football."</p><p>"Speaking of football, let's go now to Redhorn Gate Stadium, where the players are now entering the pitch."</p><p> </p><p>-FIRST HALF-</p><p>"...And there's the kickoff!"</p><p>"And Rohan has the ball! Of course the dwarves, having a shorter stride, are at a definite disadvantage here, but watch those little legs go! Oscar Son of Oswic has the ball... Flori Thunderaxe is racing for it... Son of Oswic passes to Edgart the Wanderer... Edgart passes to Eric Son of Erred... Eric passes back to Oscar... Oscar back to Edgart... Edgart to Oscar... What are they doing?"</p><p>"I don't know, Athonin! It looks like they're teasing the dwarves! This could be bad..."</p><p>"OH! Thunderaxe gets the ball away!"</p><p>"How did he do that?!"</p><p>"It looks like he darted between Son of Erred's legs! Well, the Moria team may not be much for height but they're definitely very dangerous over short distances-"</p><p>"-and in small spaces!"</p><p>"Flori passes to Doofer downfield-"</p><p>"Intercepted! Aelfric Son of Aelfred drives the ball down the pitch - Moria can't keep up. He'd better slow down or he'll get an offsides penalty..."</p><p>"Aelfric passes to Eoron Son of Eomund, the Rohan team captain. Eoron to Oscar. Oscar to Eored son of Eogarth. Eored to Eoron... Oh, blast, they're doing it again."</p><p>"Well, they've got to pass the time somehow til the dwarves catch up."</p><p>"True, but the fans don't like it. I hear booing-"</p><p>"And here's Boron Clovenbeard, Moria captain, trying to get at the ball - but Eoron's evading him. As the tallest member of the Moria team at four-foot-nine, Boron can't pull off a trick like two-foot-eight Thunderaxe-"</p><p>"Eoron passes to Eored. Back to Eoron. Son of Eomund runs it down the pitch - shoots! And the ball bounces off the goalpost!"</p><p>"Rohan'll have to have better aim than that if they want to win the match - Moria may lack offense, but their defense is definitely Cup-worthy, and the horse-lords should find it hard to beat."</p><p>"Moria keeper Goli the Roly-Poly throws the ball to Clovenbeard - Clovenbeard kicks it to Coin Coalface - INTERCEPTED, by Ulric Son of Ulmar! Ulric to Aelfric. Aelfric heads it to Rolf of the Riddermark, who heads it to Aethelem, who heads it to Edgart-"</p><p>"This is a clever tactic the Rohirrim are taking - if they can keep the ball in the air the dwarves won't be able to reach it-"</p><p>"-but that's not keeping Moria from trying! Nofur leaps for the ball, but it sails over his head and to the outstretched foot of Son of Ulmar, who executes his trademark bicycle kick-"</p><p>"No goal! Roly-Poly hits it out with his axe!"</p><p>"Right to Aethelem - he bends it into the goal-"</p><p>"No goal! Goli knocks the ball back onto the pitch with his axe!"</p><p>"Hallamoin kicks it in-"</p><p>"-Poly knocks it out! That's some impressive axe-work!"</p><p>"This is why MEFA wants to amend the rule-book-"</p><p>"Eric tries for it, Roly-Poly stops him! Amazing!"</p><p>"-to keep weaponry out of play - situations like this-"</p><p>"In! Out! Rohan can't get it past the wall of steel that is Goli Roly-Poly and his flaming axe of doom!"</p><p>"-are not fair play! Bret, are you even listening? ...And did you really just say 'flaming axe of doom'?"</p><p>"Shut up, Merrypus! Now Poly's got it - he kicks the ball downfield to Snori, who runs it towards Rohan's goal - overtaken by Edgart the Wanderer! But Snori's not going to let him have it - there's a short duel for the ball - Edgart's down! And the ref's got a yellow card!"</p><p>"Yellow card?! What rot! The Wanderer's got blood streaming down his leg - looks like he can't stand - medical staff are assisting him off the field. Now, see, Bret? THIS IS WHY WEAPONS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON-FIELD!"</p><p>"He's still got all his limbs, hasn't he?! Looks like Rohan's substituting in Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned. He's an old hand at the Cup - this'll be his third tournament, and Rohan's first substitution of three. ...And the game's back on! Rohan has the ball - Flaedwic runs it downfield - past the dwarf defenders - past Flori Thunderaxe, shortest player on the Moria team - you could say he's a DWARF dwarf defender, ha ha - Flaedwic shoots!"</p><p>"OH! Right into Goli's ample gut. But with padding like that, as well as armor, Roly-Poly looks unhurt at that rocket of a shot from Thick-Skinned Flaedwic. He tosses the ball to Thunderaxe."</p><p>"Looks like Rohan's made a good choice in their substitution... Flori goes under Eric's legs again - Hallamoin goes for the ball but is deterred by Flori's axe, brandished threateningly-"</p><p>"-which some might consider cheating-"</p><p>"Oh, shush. Rohan's keeper, Hondo the Bastard, must be getting bored by now. And it looks like the Rohirrim have confidence in him, as they are letting the diminutive dwarf steal past them like a wolf in the night-"</p><p>"Would you quit with the flowery language, Kanithion?! This is a radio broadcast, not an epic poem! Thunderaxe kicks it in-"</p><p>"GOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!!!! The ball just brushes Hondo's fingertips and slips in!!! That's Moria one, Rohan nothing!"</p><p>"There's just eight minutes left in the first half, plus stoppage time - plenty of time for the horse-lords to score, but they've got to get on their game right away."</p><p>"This should put an end to the arrogant behaviour the Rohan team has been demonstrating throughout the match - I'd say that's the last time they let a dwarf onto their end of the pitch."</p><p>"Indeed. And Hondo kicks the ball more than three-quarters of the way down the field to Rolf of the Riddermark, who's ready to head it to Aethelem, who heads it into the Moria goal-"</p><p>"-and over it! He's overshot! Snori has the ball-"</p><p>"Intercepted by Eored! He kicks it towards the goal-"</p><p>"No good, Goli knocks it out!"</p><p>"But Eoron's got it - feints left - feints right - feints a goal shot and passes to Eored, who kicks it in! GOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!! Roly-Poly dives for the faked shot and a perfect kick by Son of Eogarth slips past him into the net! Beautiful!"</p><p>"And now there's two minutes stoppage time - Rohan's got the ball again-"</p><p>"Fofur gets it! He's dribbling it down the field-"</p><p>"-passes to Lori-"</p><p>"Intercepted! Flaedwic Thick-Skin knees it to Son of Oswic-"</p><p>"-who shoots-"</p><p>"No good! And there's the whistle. That ends the first half of this quarterfinal match with Rohan and Moria tied one-one. We'll return with the second half after these messages from our sponsors..."</p><p> </p><p>-SECOND HALF-</p><p>"We now return to you from Redhorn Gate Stadium, where Moria and Rohan are tied one-one at the start of the second half of the first quarterfinal. Who will proceed to the semifinals? Whose hopes for the Arda Cup will be dashed? It'll all be decided in the next forty-five minutes."</p><p>"And Rohan's got the ball! Eric Son of Erred's dribbling it down the pitch - passes to Aethelem, who passes to Hallamoin... It looks like the Rohirrim have finally got up the speed they're known for, which was noticeably lacking in the first half. Hallamoin kicks it to Eoron, who dodges past the dwarves as if they were stone. He shoots- No goal! Bounces off the top of the crossbar!"</p><p>"Snori throws it in - recall he got a yellow card in the first half for crippling Edgart the Wanderer, Rohan's star striker..."</p><p>"Oh, come off it, Athonin, 'crippling'? I'd hardly say that..."</p><p>"Coin Coalface heads it to Fofur, but unfortunately Oscar Son of Oswic's foot is there to intercept it! Oscar kicks it to Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned, who pokes it to Hallamoin, who shoots-"</p><p>"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL!!!!!! Great Ulmo, Athonin, did you see that?!! That has got to be one of the most beautiful shots I have ever seen in a regulation match!"</p><p>"For all of you listeners, what we have just witnessed is what makes Hallamoin one of the most desirable players in club football. He managed to arc the ball in the exact perfect manner so as to avoid the cluster of Moria defenders and his own teammates, clear keeper Roly-Poly's swinging axe, and slip into the top left corner of the goal just out of Poly's reach to swish into the net behind him. Incredible."</p><p>"In the forty-ninth minute, it's Rohan two, Moria one, with a spectacular goal by Hallamoin... And the crowd appears to be chanting, 'Give 'em hell, Halla,' as Loin drives the ball down the pitch toward the Rohan goal. Loin passes to Miner, who has not moved throughout the entire course of the match except to get out of the way of the halftime performance by the Lothlorien Women's Choir and to return to the opposite side of the pitch upon resumption of play. Miner looks startled - he kicks the ball away-"</p><p>"-right to Eored Son of Eogarth, who kicks it downfield to Aelfric Son of Aelfred - Son of Aelfred to Rolf of the Riddermark - Rolf to Aethelem - Aethelem's in good position - he shoots-"</p><p>"No goal! Blocked by Goli Roly-Poly's axe!"</p><p>"The dwarves have it - Rohan's got it! Rolf to Hallamoin! And the crowd's shouting, 'Hall-a-moin, Hall-a-moin!' He's setting up for a shot-"</p><p>"Intercepted! Flori Thunderaxe races in and steals the ball from between Hallamoin's feet! And he's running it downfield! Have you ever seen a dwarf move this fast?!"</p><p>"Not since Odin Mithrilbrain in the 1984 semifinal between Iron Hills and Nan Curunir, but he was being pursued by wargs at the time-"</p><p>"OH! Flori goes down! I guess he was going too fast for his own feet! And Ulric Son of Ulmar races up to take the ball. Passes to Aethelem! Aethelem to Aelfric!"</p><p>"Now Oscar has it - he kicks it in-"</p><p>"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his axe!"</p><p>"To Eoron Son of Eomund - to Eric - he shoots-"</p><p>"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his massive gut!"</p><p>"Impressive... Aelfric's got it - kicks it in-"</p><p>"No goal! Roly-Poly gets it with his axe... There's the whistle. Looks like Roly-Poly's severed the ball in two right on the goal line. The ref's coming to take a look at it..."</p><p>"This hasn't happened since the Second Age! Hopefully the referee knows what he's doing..."</p><p>"I don't doubt it - the ref's one of the five Istari, the lesser-known Figglenob the Puce, who takes time from his wizarding duties to frequent football matches across the continent and beyond. And - and - IT'S GOOD! GOOOOAAAALLLL!!!!"</p><p>"That's Rohan three, Moria one... Oh, it looks like there's an altercation between Moria captain Boron Clovenbeard and the ref. Figglenob doesn't look happy..."</p><p>"And Boron just shoved Figglenob! The wizard's got a yellow card! And a staff! OH! What was THAT?!"</p><p>"Clovenbeard's - he's got donkey ears sprouting from his helm! And Figglenob's leaving the pitch..."</p><p>"Boron's being restrained by his teammates - he's shouting something at the ref-"</p><p>"The Puce Wizard slowly turns - he's pulling something out of his robe-"</p><p>"RED CARD!!! Clovenbeard's OFF!!!!"</p><p>"Great Ulmo! That puts Moria at ten players, and with their captain gone they've lost one of their best players as well! Goes to show how much can be said for the wisdom of dwarves!"</p><p>"Indeed! And the game's back on, twenty-two minutes remaining. Rohan's got the ball..."</p><p>~<em>Twenty minutes later</em>~</p><p>"...And that's Rohan six, Moria one! The dwarves are just being slaughtered out there!"</p><p>"Quite literally in the case of Miner, who mysteriously collapsed just moments ago - we now have confirmation from medical staff that he did, in fact, suffer a fatal heart attack brought on by acute cirrhosis of the liver, arteriosclerosis, and overexposure to sunlight, not to mention severe shock when he was passed the ball a second time..."</p><p>"The dwarves have substituted in Moin, a rookie from FC Dale, just eighty-six years old. And Moin's got the ball - he's dribbling it down the pitch!"</p><p>"This is good for Moria, whose team has been looking increasingly fatigued - Moin's got fresh legs, and he's showing it! Look at him go!"</p><p>"He's running it towards Hondo the Bastard, who appears to be sleeping! As if this is the right time for a nap..."</p><p>"Well, who can blame him? The Moria offence has posed about as much threat of scoring in this second half as a hobbit has of joining a multiracial band of adventurers and journeying to Mordor to have tea with the Witch-King! Eoron's shouting at him to wake up..."</p><p>"We're on added time now, of which there should be quite a lot... Moin shoots-"</p><p>"No goal! But that's got to have woken Hondo up!"</p><p>"The ball hit the sleeping keeper square in the nose! Hondo's on the ground - he's not getting up-"</p><p>"Moin shoots again! But the ball bounces off Hondo's foot, which is just outside the goal!"</p><p>"Eoron's shaking the keeper. The Bastard's getting restive - OH! He punches his own captain in the face!"</p><p>"And Eoron's down! But as he falls he's deflected a third shot by Moin! Now THAT'S lucky-"</p><p>"And there's the whistle! Eoron and Hondo both look okay - a little bruised perhaps..."</p><p>"That's the match, folks! Moria goes home in disgrace while Rohan proceeds to the semifinals, where they will face Mordor or Mirkwood, contingent on tomorrow's match. Tune in tomorrow to see which it will be!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Mirkwood vs. Mordor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-PREGAME-</p><p>"Greetings to all our listeners and welcome to the second quarterfinal match of the 2760 Arda Cup tournament!  We're here at the Gladden Fields Soccer Stadium to witness what is sure to be an exciting match.  I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"</p><p>"-and I'm Athonin Merrypus, and I must say, the weather is certainly bright today!  It's 96 degrees [F] here with 75 percent humidity.  The players are going to have to show some serious stamina today, especially the orcs, who are particularly susceptible to sun-burn among the races."</p><p>"Today's match pits two of the finer national teams against each other: Mordor and Mirkwood.  One will proceed to the semifinals against Rohan; the other will not. Nor, if historic matches are any indicator, will it proceed anywhere under its own power again - that is to say, one team may not survive this match.  Let's look at the situation so far."</p><p>"Well, Bret, Mirkwood's being playing spectacularly this year, easily beating every team in its starting group, including the formidable Far Harad team; and after shutting out Lonely Mountain four-naught on Saturday, they're looking in a good position to get past Mordor's offense alive... which is more than could be said for Rhun, which lost more than half their starting lineup to Mordor's Gorf and Throknor, who were both red-carded several times over for the offense and will not be seen again in this tournament."</p><p>"That was quite a game!  Thursday's second round match between the orcs and the Easterlings also resulted in the death of a spectator and the hospitalization of three others after the infuriated Mordor coach Florb went on a rampage in the stands.  He too has been red-carded and is under review by MEFA to have his coaching licence revoked."</p><p>"As well he should be - this is the third fan-injury incident Florb has initiated in the past eight months, and the second fatality.  Obviously this orc has got some serious anger-management problems."</p><p>"This year's Mordor team is also particularly aggressive, but Mirkwood doesn't seem phased.  In an interview yesterday Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion announced that, and I quote, 'If the yrchs try any funny business we've got archers hiding in the crowd to take them down before they know what's hit them.  Just fair warning.'  This remark has motivated MEFA to forbid spectators from bringing weapons into the stadium for this match only, and those who refuse to check their illegal gear are being turned away."</p><p>"But I see the officials are perfectly fine with the PLAYERS bringing weapons into the stadium!  Ridiculous."</p><p>"I thought we agreed not to bring that up again?"</p><p>"Honestly, Bret, I don't know what you're talking about.  Please try to stay focused on your commentating."</p><p>"Why y-"</p><p>"Because it bores our listeners, that's why.  I personally look forward to seeing Mirkwood keeper Beriadan Lastelle play in this his fiftieth Arda Cup - a golden anniversary for a golden goalie.  And the players are coming onto the pitch.  Our referee is again one of the two lesser-known Istari, Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuchsia Accents, who generally goes by the name Hey You... to avoid confusion, you know."</p><p>"Rondafunk's generally regarded as the most placid ref in Middle Earth, mainly because he's deaf.  But we're going to need a pretty unflappable person to call this match, I'd expect.  And he's bringing the ball onto the field..."</p><p> </p><p>-FIRST HALF-</p><p>"...and now the kickoff.  Vicious scramble for the ball - Ture Turelion's down - Moogrug's down - and Galdras Luendesse has it!  He runs it down the pitch - passes to Eiros Swiftlight, Mirkwood's fastest player - and he's down the field like a speeding eagle!  Mordor's Mork in pursuit-"</p><p>"Mork's not fast enough to catch him!  But Mordor's defence is ready-"</p><p>"Swiftlight dodges them all!  But can he get past Muggflump, the 'Killer Keeper'?  He's going to try for it-"</p><p>"Eiros takes a shot - Muggflump deflects it with the tips of his fingers!  What a save!"</p><p>"And now the other players have caught up - the orcs are mobbing Swiftlight-"</p><p>"-and don't notice Muggflump's goal kick to Nockumded, who's immediately overtaken by Daradan Suiauthon.  Suiauthon to Ture, who's back on his feet, albeit limping.  Moogrug's not looking much better..."</p><p>"Ture kicks it to Luendesse, who kicks it in-"</p><p>"No goal!  Muggflump pounces on it and stops the ball just outside the line.  He throws it to Smarsh, who passes to Grarg on the other end of the pitch-"</p><p>"Intercepted!  Tyalagan the Minstrel takes the ball and passes to Malsigil Maethor-"</p><p>"-but Grarg gets to it first!  Back to Smarsh!"</p><p>"Tyalagan goes for it- but Smarsh isn't going to let him have it!  OH!  The Minstrel's down!  Smarsh goes for the goal - he's in the box-"</p><p>"-and Aredon Ionwe comes streaking out of left field and steals the ball!  He kicks it to Swiftlight-"</p><p>"-who kicks it to Galdras-"</p><p>"-who is kicked in the shin by Lorgnutz in an attempt on the orc's part to get the ball, but thanks to his mithril greaves Luendesse looks unphased - he takes a shot-"</p><p>"Wide!  Throw-in for Mordor."</p><p>"And it's right to Luendesse, who looks surprised - he heads it towards the goal-"</p><p>"The 'Killer Keeper' catches it!  He's going to throw it in... ahem, eventually..."</p><p>"Muggflump's certainly taking his time..."</p><p>"No, Muggflump's taking aim!  He chucks it at Swiftlight's head, the elf ducks just in time-"</p><p>"-and the ball hits Mork right in the nose!  He's DOWN!  And the orcs are pissed - they're all over Eiros - he's got a sword out and is desperately fending them off-"</p><p>"-and meanwhile Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion has the ball and is running it into the box-"</p><p>"The Mordor keeper's not in the goal!  Muggflump's joined the fight!  I can't believe this!"</p><p>"Calion nudges the ball in!  GOAL!!  Point for Mirkwood!"</p><p>"Athonin, are you watching this?!  Mordor doesn't even notice!  And now the elves are going to their team-mate's aid - this is an all-out BRAWL!!"</p><p>"By the Valar, I must say I agree, and I am thoroughly appalled.  Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuchsia Accents is ordering them to stop, but no one seems to be paying attention.  And it looks like Mordor's Krull is down - Rondafunk's running onto the field, blowing his whistle like mad - the elves are backing off...  And the ref's got his staff out - now the orcs are withdrawing, too.  Eiros appears to be clutching his side...  I see blood!  See, now-"</p><p>"Yes, that's definitely blood.  Medics are coming to escort Swiftlight and Krull off the field.  The latter seems to have a large gash across his face, which also would appear to be bleeding-"</p><p>"Yes, and this is-"</p><p>"You know, this hostility is really not surprising, considering the ancient hatred the elves and orcs have for each other.  The last time Mordor and Mirkwood met in an Arda Cup match was in 2492, almost 300 years ago.  The result was a draw after both teams fell into a serious skirmish and all players were either killed or injured too severely to continue the match.  This of course posed a great problem for the tournament officials, as it was, like this, a quarterfinal match, and it seemed unfair to give the loser of one of the other quarterfinal games a second chance without doing so for the rest of the losers, but in the end a tourney-like setting was achieved, with-"</p><p>"Bret."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Shut up.  There's been a long pause while myriad wounds are treated, and after deliberating, Rondafunk has decided not to card any of the players due to an inability to narrow it down to just one or two instigators of the ...altercation.  Aethros Manasil is coming in for Swiftlight, who's being rushed to hospital before he bleeds to death-" </p><p>"Manasil's known for his uncanny agility in avoiding defenders, which should be useful in this match especially.  And Krull's been patched up - he's going to continue playing despite an apparent concussion, mainly because Mordor's substitute players are not anywhere around."</p><p>"Seems awfully fishy to me..."</p><p>"Yes, many things seem fishy to you, don't they, Merrypus?  ...And the game's back on.  Lorgnutz has the ball - passes to Shorp - passes to Doris-"</p><p>"Doris heads it to Moogrug, but Moogrug's still a bit woozy from that encounter at the start of the match, and the ball is easily intercepted by Tyalagan the Minstrel-"</p><p>"-and easily retaken by Ripper 'The Ripper', who shoves the Minstrel out of his way and kicks it to Smarsh, who runs for the Mirkwood goal-"</p><p>"What was that?!!  That was a yellow card, at least!!  What, is Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuchsia Accents BLIND?!!"</p><p>"No, Merrypus, he's deaf.  Smarsh to Mordor captain Groshmok, who shoots-  BLOCKED!  Beriadan Lastelle is definitely on his game today!"</p><p>"What do you expect from the twelve-time winner of the Good Goalkeeping Trophy?  The fans are going crazy-"</p><p>"Many people have come to this match just to see Lastelle play.  Smarsh takes a shot - beautiful block by Beriadan!  Just BEAUTIFUL!"</p><p>"Groshmok's getting angry - and impatient.  With just ten minutes left in the first half and Mirkwood up by one, he's feeling the pressure to score...  He tries for it-"</p><p>"No goal!  Lastelle catches the ball - and it'll be a goal kick.  He just rockets that thing three-quarters down the pitch - RIGHT to Authrom Orondo, who fakes a shot and passes to Malsigil Maethor, who again fakes, dodges Doris and passes to Tasael the Foolish, who shoots - too wide!  Mordor throw-in..."</p><p>"We're on added time now, of which there's quite a bit thanks to that fiasco earlier..."</p><p>"Frankly, I'd say Tasael's epithet is an apt one - he ought to have passed to Ture Turelion, who was wide open-"</p><p>"Nockumded's got the ball - now Grarg - Grarg kicks it to Krull, who tries to take it downfield-"</p><p>"Looks like that concussion's affecting him - the orc can't seem to run in a straight line!"</p><p>"And Daradan Suiauthon's got the ball!  He's racing for Mordor's goal - less than a minute remaining-!"</p><p>"Daradan kicks it to Turelion - this is his chance!  He shoots!"</p><p>"NO GOAL!  The ball BOUNCES off the CROSSBAR!!  Great Ulmo..."</p><p>"Tasael takes a shot, but it's too late, there's the whistle.  And it's Mirkwood one, Mordor zero at the end of the first half.  I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"</p><p>"We already introduced ourselves, Bret.  Join us for the second half of this second quarterfinal match of the Arda Cup after these messages from our sponsors..."<br/> <br/> </p><p>-SECOND HALF-</p><p>"Welcome back to the Gladden Fields after that lengthy break, where the sun is high and the stadium sweltering!"</p><p>"-and the commentators' box..."  </p><p>"The score is 1-0 Mirkwood, but neither team shows any sign of mellowing in the second half."</p><p>"Quite the contrary - I'd say the competition should be heating up, as the weather has been since the game began this morning.  Are you sure the AC is on, Athonin?"</p><p>"Yes, Bret, I told you five times already.  And Mirkwood has the ball!"</p><p>"Aredon Ionwe runs it downfield, but he doesn't get far!  Grarg's got it, passes to Nockumded, who runs into the box and takes a shot-"</p><p>"Blocked!  Lastelle catches it and tosses to Manasil, who slips around Doris and Krull - who isn't looking too good.  Why doesn't Mordor put in a sub?"</p><p>"Dunno.  Ripper's racing for Aethros- he takes a flying leap- Manasil kicks to Luendesse just in time- he's been tackled pretty hard.  Ripper's getting up...  Manasil isn't."</p><p>"RED CARD!! RED CARD!!!  WHERE IS THAT CURSED REF?!"</p><p>"Nevermind, Manasil's on his feet - he looks a little woozy, but still serviceable."</p><p>"Are you kidding me?!  He can hardly stand!"</p><p>"Meanwhile Luendesse's got the ball and is running it towards the box.  He passes to Ture Turelion-"</p><p>"Intercepted by Lorgnutz-"</p><p>"Turelion's having none of it!  He and Lorgnutz tussle- the ball gets away- Turelion's got a knife- Lorgnutz has what looks like a meat cleaver-"</p><p>"Orondo gets the ball, pursued by Shorp and Doris-"</p><p>"TURELION STABS LORGNUTZ!  NO!  LORGNUTZ STABBED TURE TURELION!!!!  OR WHATEVER YOU DO WITH A MEAT CLEAVER!  WHAT!"</p><p>"Great Ulmo, they're both down!  The fans are on their feet screaming in outrage-"</p><p>"-or bloodthirstiness-"</p><p>"-and Rondafunk- Hey You- is- where is he?!  Napping?!  NAPPING on the sidelines?!  Efforts to wake him have failed, due to his lack of hearing ability-"</p><p>"Meanwhile Authrom Orondo has made it to the end of the pitch, passes to Malsigil Maethor, who takes a shot- NO GOAL-"</p><p>"Medical personnel are trying to get to Lorgnutz and Turelion, but it appears that the two are still fighting-"</p><p>"Calion intercepts the ball, but has no one nearby to pass to as Orondo is occupied defending himself from Shorp and Doris-"</p><p>"Blood all over the field- oh, Valar, I can hardly bear to watch-"</p><p>"Groshmok is in a skirmish with Maethor, while Daradan Suiauthon has run to Authrom's aid - and Calion is dodging Mork and Grarg, who seem determined to take him down - he takes a shot!"</p><p>"AH!  GOOD YAVANNA!"</p><p>"GOAL!  The Killer Keeper has been SHOT!  He's taken down by an arrow from the stands before he can block the ball!"</p><p>"Rondafunk's finally awake - he's sounded a time-out-"</p><p>"Muggflump isn't moving - Calion's keeping Mork at bay with his sword while the medics examine Mordor's goalie - he's exchanging words with the Beigey-Tan with Fuchsia Accents Wizard...  I wonder if this has anything to do with the Mirkwood captain's threat to place archers in the stands?"</p><p>"In the stands, Bret!  A ruckus seems to have broken out among the spectators - it looks like the Mordor subs, who have been absent throughout the game-"</p><p>"They're fighting with what appears to be an Elvish archer!  Folks, this would appear to be the culprit behind the slaying of Mordor keeper Muggflump- and the Orcs are dragging him down the bleachers to the pitch-"</p><p>"Meanwhile the discussion between the ref and Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion appears to have grown more hostile, especially since Mordor captain Groshmok got involved...  Now Calion's shouting at Groshmok... the orc's shouting back... he's pulled a knife!"</p><p>"Hey You's not going to allow THAT kind of behaviour!  He's got his staff out - he's yelling at Groshmok... the Mordor captain appears to be backing off..."</p><p>"OH!  Oh, oh NO!!  The ref looked away and Groshmok jumped Calion and cut his throat!!!"</p><p>"Flash of light- I can't-"</p><p>"What just happened?!"</p><p>"It looks like Rondafunk's stunned Groshmok-"</p><p>"RED CARD!  About TIME!"</p><p>"It looks like Calion's not dead- they're running him off the pitch-"</p><p>"Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan's turned his attention to the Lorgnutz-Turelion scuffle now.  Ture, unlike his captain, does appear deceased-"</p><p>"They're wrapping him in a shroud and taking him off the field.  I think that's a pretty good sign he's dead, Merrypus."</p><p>"Which is a further reason why weapons should be DISALLOWED-"</p><p>"Lorgnutz, too, doesn't look like he'll be moving again.  Well, that saves the trouble of trying to figure out which party to card."</p><p>"Bret, will you let me speak?  This is just yet another-"</p><p>"And the Orc extras have got the arrow-shooter onto the field - they're shouting and gesticulating angrily to Rondafunk, who seems not to hear them-"</p><p>"-because he's deaf, Bret, like some people I know-"</p><p>"Now they're pointing at the assassin, who looks a little worse-for-wear-"</p><p>"-I'll say-"</p><p>"-and Rondafunk's saying something back - stadium security is on the way-"</p><p>"-and another medic-"</p><p>"Folks, this is really something else.  In all my time as a commentator, I haven't seen a goalie killed by someone off-field since the 2638 match between Hobbiton United and Bree FC when a pair of young halflings having a watermelon-seed-spitting contest accidentally spat their seeds with enough force to drive them into the vocal passage of Bree's keeper, who was shouting an obscenity at the time and who subsequently choked."</p><p>"Why would you share such a disgusting anecdote?"</p><p>"Because the fans enjoy it."</p><p>"How do you know?"</p><p>"How else am I supposed to occupy the lull in play?  Would you prefer I sing?"</p><p>"No, Bret.  At any rate, the archer has been escorted from the stadium and the injured taken to hospital, and substitutions have been made: in for Lorgnutz is Sharlak, Guttum replaces Muggflump, Celeblas Silverleaf is in for Calion, Noshbosh will be playing for Krull-"</p><p>"-about time they took him out-"</p><p>"-and Alastar the Merciless for Turelion.  Mordor has one less man, thanks to their team captain's antics, but as Aethros Manasil has yet to recover entirely from Ripper's tackle earlier this half, we'll see how much of an advantage this actually gives Mirkwood.  Neither team has any substitutions remaining."</p><p>"And play's begun again!  We're on stoppage time now, but thanks to the activity earlier there's fully twenty minutes left, so this match is far from over!  And Manasil has the ball!"</p><p>"Aethros runs it down the pitch - kicks to Ionwe, who passes to Luendesse, who runs for the Mordor goal-"</p><p>"Intercepted!  Guttum has the ball!"</p><p>"Passes to Mork - to Grarg - to Nockumded - to Smarsh, who's racing down the pitch-"</p><p>"OO!  THAT'S gotta hurt."</p><p>"Smarsh smashed right into the Mirkwood goalpost - the ball's loose - throw in for Mirkwood."</p><p>"Daradan Suiauthon tosses it to Silverleaf, who heads it to Ionwe-"</p><p>"Aredon dodges past Ripper - and Ripper lunges!  You'd think they'd have learned not to-"</p><p>"Ionwe and the Ripper are on the ground- both have their hands on the ball- and it looks like Ripper has bitten Ionwe's hand!  Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan is blowing his whistle-"</p><p>"Finally he notices something..."</p><p>"Yellow card."</p><p>"YELLOW?  He bit him!  What if he's got rabies?"</p><p>"We haven't got rabies in this Middle Earth, Merrypus.  For Yavanna's sake-"</p><p>"And another skirmish appears to have broken out near the Mirkwood goal!"  </p><p>"Nockumded has been kicking the ball in and out of the goal throughout this time, while the elves are looking after their fallen player, and now as the Golden Goalie returns to the box, Nockumded is blocking his entry to the goal."</p><p>"Oh dear, Lastelle's drawn his sword-"</p><p>"He's being joined by Celeblas Silverleaf and Alastar the Merciless, Mirkwood's two freshest players- and both are armed-"</p><p>"Nockumded's shouting for aid!  The remainder of the Mordor team are running down the pitch-"</p><p>"The elves are right behind them-"</p><p>"This is going to be bad...  Is that cursed wizard even paying attention?!  They might as well have a cave-troll for referee!"</p><p>"And that's it!  Time has been called, just as things were about to get really interesting!  Oh well - there should be more fun in the next match, between Ered Mithrin - the dragons - and the Shire.  It'll be roast hobbit tomorr-"</p><p>"-and we've just been informed that the second of Mirkwood's points is being challenged, thanks to interference from the stands, though I don't know why they bother - Mordor hasn't been able to score a single point all game-"</p><p>"The challenge has been denied.  Apparently there's already been precedent set, when a freak lightning storm killed off the Fangorn goalie in 2240-"</p><p>"And that's Mirkwood 2-0.  Join us next time-"</p><p>"Wait, Ath!  Smarsh is shouting something at the referee- the other Mordor players have joined him- and it looks like Groshmok, who was red-carded earlier for attempting to bleed Camdras Calion like a stuck pig, is rising from the bench-"</p><p>"OH NO!  I can't look-  Oh Valar, I feel faint- Oh-"</p><p>"GROSHMOK HAS KILLED RONDAFUNK THE BEIGEY-TAN WITH FUCHSIA ACCENTS!  Stadium security are racing to the scene, aided by the remainder of the Mirkwood players and a good deal of the crowd- people are pouring out of the stands and my fellow announcer appears to have fainted!  If Hey You has indeed been killed, this will be the first death of a referee since Saruman the Grey was gutted by a warg before the warg team was permanently outlawed from the Arda Cup, which of course caused him to become Saruman the White, as you will know him today..."</p><p>"Uhhhhhh..."</p><p>"And the orcs appear to have been gotten under control- they are being bound and led away, amid a frenzied crowd.  And that's all the time we have for today!  Join us next time for the third quarterfinal match of the 2760 Arda Cup - dragons versus hobbits!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Shire vs. Ered Mithrin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-PREGAME-</p><p>"Welcome again to the 2760 Arda Cup Quarterfinals! I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"</p><p>"-and I'm Athonin Merrypus-"</p><p>"-and we're here at ME Wireless Emyn Muil Stadium for the third quarterfinal match of this the 1,463rd Arda Cup to see who will proceed to the Semifinals against-"</p><p>"Fifty-third."</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>"This is the 1,453rd Arda Cup. You said 63rd."</p><p>"Uh, okay... Ahem. Today we'll see who will proceed to the Semifinals against Rohan, who won in the first quarterfinal against the Moria team, disappointing dwarves everywhere and leading to the vandalism of several Rohirric horses. Among the victims was popular Rohan bard Bronwyn the Blonde, who exited an inn where she had been celebrating with fellow fans to find her stallion painted in dwarvish runes translating to some things they won't allow me to say on the air."</p><p>"This is only one of many football-provoked incidents throughout Middle Earth this week - following the Mordor-Mirkwood match yesterday, bands of vengeful orcs went marauding throughout lands known to be friendly to the elves, lands known to be neutral to the elves, lands known to be friendly to lands known to be harbouring elves, and... well, pretty much everywhere."</p><p>"In the Black Lands a pro-Mordor mob ransacked an Ephel Duath pub where Morgul natives were said to be gloating over their neighbouring orcs' loss. The retaliation resulted in the deaths of all parties involved and the fiery explosion of the pub and two nearby barracks. This event was mirrored in dozens of places across Mordor and the surrounding area, with scattered incidents among the goblins of the Misty Mountains. Many hundreds of slaves were also killed by orcs in blind retribution."</p><p>"Don't forget Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuchsia Accents, the match's ref, who was slain by Mordor forward Groshmok after Groshmok was red-carded..."</p><p>"Rondafunk is currently at Isengard with his fellow Maiar undergoing a procedure to restore him to life. The wizards are considering a departure from the traditional white for Rondafunk's post-resurrection color scheme. Possibilities under review include royal purple, burnt siena, and black."</p><p>"Today's ref, however, will be Figglenob the Puce, an avid football fan and frequent official at Cup matches."</p><p>"And today's competitors will be the Shire and the Ered Mithrin teams. The Shire is a surprise coming into this match, isn't that right, Ath?"</p><p>"It is indeed. A halfling soccer team has not qualified for the Arda Cup since... well, since... uh... a really long time ago."</p><p>"Actually, the last time the hobbits were in the Cup was only about a hundred years ago, when the beastly Isengrim Took led his team to the Quarterfinals, where they were promptly massacred by Mordor. And I do mean that literally - only Isengrim and one other player escaped alive."</p><p>"Speaking of beastly hobbits, this year's team captain is the grandson of Isengrim, Bandobras 'Bullroarer' Took, and never has a football-playing halfling brought so much press coverage. Bullroarer has a rabid following back in the Shire, and tweens all across this Middle Earth have been turning out in the screaming thousands to see him play. Today is no exception - I can hear them shrieking and see them waving their garish placards from here, and, Ulmo, I wish I couldn't. What a terrible racket."</p><p>"However impressive the hobbit captain is, however, he'll have to pull something really sly out of his ear today, because with the sizzling defeat of Breeland last Tuesday the halflings are looking at a match against the dragons of the Grey Mountains - and you know what that means, don't you?"</p><p>"Enlighten me, Bret. Wait - could it be your favorite word? 'Massacre'? 'Bloodbath'? Or possibly 'Utterly unfair'?"</p><p>"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Merrypus. Though I do want to point out that half of the men of Bree are in hospital at the moment with second- and third-degree burns, along with a good deal of spectators who were caught in the cross-fire, so to speak."</p><p>"Then what were you going to say?"</p><p>"I was going to say 'Roasted hobbit'. Now how about some football?"</p><p> </p><p>-FIRST HALF-</p><p>"The players have entered the pitch...  Dear Yavanna, I can't watch.  There's hardly enough room on the field for the dragons at all, and yet the hobbits will have to run twice as far to reach the opposite goal - this is just so totally not fair-"</p><p>"Oh, shut up, Merrypus.  This is how the lottery falls - sometimes the match'll be even, and sometimes, well... sometimes it won't.  That's what makes things interesting.  And Figglenob the Puce is stepping out into the pitch with the ball-"</p><p>"There's Bullroarer Took - facing off against the Ered Mithrin captain, Swafa the Great - forty feet from nose to tail-tip, green and scaled-over in impregnable armor, except on his tender underbelly, which scrapes the ground.  How MEFA can allow such a travesty, I cannot fathom-"</p><p>"For goodness' sake, don't be such a wet blanket!  THIS is the sort of thing people watch this sport for!"</p><p>"The chance to see a bunch of kind and innocent hobbits get trampled to death by great waddling reptiles?"</p><p>"Yes, exactly.  ...And now the ball's in play!  Swafa's caught it before it even hit the ground-"</p><p>"Shire forward Jack Middleburrow weaves around the dragon's pounding feet trying to intercept-"</p><p>"-but Swafa's having none of it.  He's bouncing the ball between his wing-shoulders...  Is he laughing?  Why, I do believe he is!"</p><p>"Oo, the nerve!  This is utterly unsportsmanlike behaviour.  He should be yellow-carded for taunting an opposing player."</p><p>"You know there's no such penalty.  Swafa's ambling downfield in no particular hurry - the hobbits are mobbing him but it doesn't look to be having any effect... except that maybe he's laughing harder-"</p><p>"Aren't you supposed to be objective in your commentary, Bret?"</p><p>"Aren't YOU, Mr Don't-Let-the-Evil-Dragons-Hurt-the-Cute-Little-Hobbits?  Mr Elves-Can-Do-Nothing-Wrong?  Where's YOUR objectivity?"</p><p>"Don't you start with me-"</p><p>"Swafa passes to Redgrave the Defiler, who whips the ball towards the Shire goal with his tail-"</p><p>"Missed by a mile.  Serves him right."</p><p>"Is that unbiased commentary, Ath?  I never knew."</p><p>"I'm sorry, were you talking?  Pogo Toadbottle throws it in, but Grigory Chubb is cut off from receiving the throw by the agile Yarma, the youngest player on the Ered Mithrin team and also the smallest at twelve feet long, who flew to catch the ball in his teeth before it could fall.  And-"</p><p>"And it looks like he's popped it with his dagger-like incisors.  Figglenob's called time out."</p><p>"They're bringing in a new ball - replacing it on the ground below where Yarma's hovering - and - time in!"</p><p>"The dragon swoops down and scoops up the ball, though gently this time... and it looks like he's gotten Chubb in his mouth with it!"</p><p>"Yellow card!  Yellow card!"</p><p>"No, indeed, Ath, it was purely accidental and the Puce Wizard ought to be taking that into account - which he is, being objective, unlike you-"</p><p>"Yarma's spit the hobbit out and the ball with him-"</p><p>"Both have crashed right into the goal!  Grigory Chubb slams right into keeper Hambutt Weevil and bowls him over, while the ball- OH!"</p><p>"It rolled to a stop just outside the goal line!  What luck for the little folk!  And now Bosco Lardbottom's got it - he's driving downpitch-"</p><p>"Intercepted by Orogoth!  The dragon noses the ball to Slog, who blows a huge blast of steam and-"</p><p>"-and incinerates the ball.  There's the whistle again."</p><p>"This isn't an uncommon occurrence in matches involving dragon players, in particular all-dragon teams.  In the last Cup Ered Mithrin managed to destroy twenty-two balls within the first ten minutes of the match, breaking the previous record of twenty-two balls in eleven minutes set in 2242.  The most impressive, however, was the five hundred thirty balls ruined in a single match twelve hundred years ago in which Ered Mithrin was competing against-"</p><p>"-and play's resumed.  Muggo Proudhandle has gotten the ball and is maneuvering between the dragons, who are too large to get around each other.  He passes to Pondipot Longbrow, who's somehow already snuck downfield-"</p><p>"Longbrow takes a shot, but as keeper Fabord the Buttmuncher takes up the entire box, it bounces off the dragon's side."</p><p>"Pondipot takes another shot - no good."</p><p>"Fabord is a wingless dragon weighing over eight tons, famed more for his size than his skill.  He appears to be napping at the moment."</p><p>"Longbrow passes to Proudhandle, who takes a shot - no good."</p><p>"I don't know why they bother.  The goal is entirely hidden behind Fabord's bulk.  Not even the crossbar is visible - shoot, not even the lines of the box are visible!  But then, no one's ever said too much for hobbit intelligence..."</p><p>"And is that objective, too, Bret?  You can't tell me-"</p><p>"AND now the Ered Mithrin players are looking bored.  Maudreg's trundling up to take the ball away..."</p><p>"Longbrow sees him and passes to Mumbo Flubb-"</p><p>"Scaum's moving to intercept him-"</p><p>"Flubb passes to Lardbottom-"</p><p>"And there's Glormor-"</p><p>"Lardbottom to Grandoc Goodbutter-"</p><p>"How long is this going to go on for?  I say, why don't the dragons just immolate the halflings and be done with it-"</p><p>"Goodbutter to Proudhandle - that's in very bad taste, Bret."</p><p>"So?  This is boring."</p><p>"So are you, but I don't go around calling for you to be burned alive, do I?"</p><p>"That's because you're boring, too.  And now finally the ball's intercepted!  Yarma's swept in and snatched in into his mouth once more."</p><p>"That's got to be some sort of penalty-"</p><p>"He's reached the end of the field - Ortabong of the Massive Wings is ready-"</p><p>"Ban Butzbindle-Bundlebom leaps to intercept-"</p><p>"-but in vain, as he's three feet tall and the dragon's twenty feet in the air.  Weevil's bound to have a hard time blocking this one-"</p><p>"Ortabong knocks it to Yarma, who deflects the ball down-"</p><p>"-but not down far enough.  The shot sails right over the goal."</p><p>"Shire ball.  You'd think the dragon players would know not to fly quite so far above their target..."</p><p>"Butzbindle-Bundlebom passes to Toadbottle, who passes to Flubb-"</p><p>"-who runs it past the oversized lizards to Pondipot Longbrow-"</p><p>"-who takes it to the box and again takes a hopelessly futile shot.  You'd think the halfling players would learn not to keep kicking at an impenetrable scaly barrier..."</p><p>"Something's happening-"</p><p>"Yes, I hear it too - dragon laughter.  You've never seen such amusement out of a group of monstrous reptiles as we're now -"</p><p>"No, no, no.  They're shouting at the Buttmuncher - the Shire team, I mean.  Look, I think Fabord's waking up."</p><p>"So THAT's why the hobbits were so persistently kicking the ball into him.  Speaking of which, where's the Bullroarer been at all this time?"</p><p>"He's- uh, I don't see him.  But look!  The dragon keeper's gotten to his feet!"</p><p>"THERE'S THE BULLROARER!  He's racing like the wind out from behind Maudreg, where I guess he was hiding-"</p><p>"Fabord's still groggy - doesn't see him-"</p><p>"-but Yarma does!  He swoops down-"</p><p>"-but while he's busy paying attention to Bandobras Took, Mumbo Flubb's gone and kicked the ball into the Ered Mithrin goal, right under Fabord the Buttmuncher's oversized belly!"</p><p>"NO goal!  The ball is lodged between the dragon's stomach and the ground just inches outside the line!"</p><p>"And that's- Ulmo."</p><p>"Listeners, Fabord has just- I mean, in his grogginess, I suppose the dragon mistook the impact of the ball against his belly for- well, what I mean to say is, he was understandably startled-"</p><p>"What you mean to say is that FABORD JUST COUGHED A TEN-FOOT MASS OF FLAME AT MUMBO FLUBB."</p><p>"There are medics running onto the field- fortunately all of the Shire players were instructed in Stop-Drop-and-Roll techniques for extinguishing themselves in case of fire, and Flubb has been rolling on the pitch for a full minute now - I think the fire's out-"</p><p>"He IS smoking still-"</p><p>"Well, it's just as well - the first half of the match was almost over.  Looks like Figglenob's coming out to have a chat with Fabord."</p><p>"Flubb's being escorted off the pitch - don't think he'll be coming back for the remainder of the game-"</p><p>"Incidentally, there's an interesting story behind how the Ered Mithrin goalie earned the epithet Buttmuncher-"</p><p>"Do we REALLY need to hear this, Bret?"</p><p>"How else should I fill the time?  I expect the ref'll be arguing with the dragons for some time."</p><p>"About what?  Burning your opponents is against the rules."</p><p>"Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that...  Anyhow, legend has it that Fabord once was fighting some kind of brave knight or something, and he was too fat to move himself off of his treasure pile, so he begged for mercy instead.  The knight, being a Numenorean, was into all of that chivalry nonsense, so of course he agreed-"</p><p>"Is this story actually going anywhere?"</p><p>"Yes.  Let me finish.  Anyhow, so the knight agrees, and Fabord says, 'I'd like you to have a beautiful sword from Gondolin as a sign of my gratitude.  It's just there on the wall above the door.'  And so the knight turns around to look at the sword.  'I don't see anything,' he says.  'Look harder,' says Fabord.  And while the knight's back is turned, the dragon scoots up behind him and opens his mouth and CHOMP!  No more knight."</p><p>"You know, I really ought to have expected you'd tell something utterly idiotic - oh, but wait, I did."</p><p>"Anyhow, that's why he's called the Buttmuncher."</p><p>"Lovely.  And now Figglenob's holding up - ah, it's about time!  RED CARD!"</p><p>"WHAT!  That was ACCIDENTAL!"</p><p>"Oh, fiddlesticks.  Anyhow, that's the end of the first half.  When we return, Fabord the Buttmuncher will not be watching the Ered Mithrin goal."</p><p>"Hmph.  Well, it's no score hobbits or dragons, and after these messages, we'll see whether the halflings' ridiculous luck holds or not-"</p><p>"Objective, Bret?"</p><p>"Merrypus, do me a favor."</p><p>"Hmm?"</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p> </p><p>-SECOND HALF-</p><p>"Here we're back at Middle Earth Wireless Stadium, previously known as Emyn Muil Stadium, where the weather's cool and the score is zero-zero.  The dragons will be playing the rest of the game without a keeper, since Fabord the Buttmuncher was red-carded just prior to the break for trying - alas, unsuccessfully - to incinerate hobbit striker Mumbo Flubb.  This should make little difference in the halflings' chances at winning, I should say-"</p><p>"Actually, Bret, it will make a huge difference.  Before, they had no chance at all-"</p><p>"-and now they've VIRTUALLY no chance.  Anyhow, Marilac Porridgeface of Oatbarton will be coming in for Flubb-"</p><p>"-who's been taken to hospital with second and third degree burns on his upper half-"</p><p>"-leaving the Shire two more substitutions.  And the hobbits have the ball!"</p><p>"Pogo Toadbottle passes to Bandobras Took, who, much to the disappointment of his fans, hid behind six-ton dragon Maudreg throughout the entire first half of the match.  Took takes it past Glormor and kicks it under the hovering Yarma to Grandoc Goodbutter, who passes to Pondipot Longbrow-"</p><p>"Intercepted!  Swafa the Great slams his massive tail down in the path of the ball and deflects it to Redgrave the Defiler.  Looks like Ered Mithrin's through waiting around for the halflings to tire."</p><p>"Oh, was that what they were doing?  I thought they were too paralysed by laughter to make any offensive plays."</p><p>"Yes, well, that too.  At any rate, Redgrave's just spit the ball to Ortabong of the Massive Wings, who caught it in his mouth and- and the ball's on fire."</p><p>"Is he actually going to try and make a goal with it?"</p><p>"Why not?  And he sends it into the Shire goal with a scorching blast of breath - Hambutt Weevil jumps out of the way-"</p><p>"Where's the ball?  Was it a goal or not?"</p><p>"Uh...  The officials are having some difficulty..."</p><p>"NO GOAL!  The ball was vaporized by the dragon's flames somewhere outside the cage.  Bad luck."</p><p>"What, is that sarcasm I detect in your voice, Merrypus?"</p><p>"No, of course not.  I'm ALWAYS perfectly sincere, you know that.  A new ball - the fourth of the match - has been put into play and now the hobbits are trying to get it downfield-"</p><p>"They get nowhere!  The Worm Montague trips Marilac Porridgeface flat on his face with his tail, and the ball's free-"</p><p>"Yellow card!  Good, looks like Figglenob's actually got the right idea this time.  Another charade like that and Montague's out of the match for good."</p><p>"Yellow card? THAT?  There wasn't even blood shed!  Is the Puce wizard become so soft-"</p><p>"Hobbit ball."</p><p>"What ridiculousness..."</p><p>"Toadbottle takes it past Swafa - past Glormor - passes to Muggo Proudhandle - oh, and it's 'ridiculosity', not 'ridiculousness'.  'Ridiculousness' isn't a word."</p><p>"Actually, I think it is.  Proudhandle kicks it into the dragon goal, but it's easily blocked by Maudreg - Orogoth takes it in his mouth and barrels through the Shire defenders towards the box - he's going to get it in this time..."</p><p>"Weevil's looking a little scared-"</p><p>"WHAT!  What is this nonsense?!  I don't-  By the Valar-"</p><p>"What happened?  All I saw was Orogoth, who is wingless and fairly bulky, racing towards the hobbit goal, when suddenly he collapsed.  Medics are running on to the pitch..."</p><p>"This is some kind of hobbit treachery, I tell you..."</p><p>"'Hobbit treachery'?  Are you serious?  Bret, these are HOBBITS, not goblins."</p><p>"Well, how else do you explain it?"</p><p>"That would be what the doctors are going to tell us in a moment."</p><p>"You know, this is not the first time a player's collapsed mid-game, not by a long shot..."</p><p>"Yavanna, not again..."</p><p>"Notwithstanding the very recent Rohan vs. Moria match, in which dwarf player Miner suffered a fatal heart attack when passed to twice, just last year Lothlorien team captain Lamalas Melwasul collapsed following the game-winning goal against Minas Morgul.  After he was rushed to hospital it was discovered his water-bottle had been doped with a fast-acting poison at some point during the match.  Unfortunately Lamalas did not survive, and the culprit was never found, though many suspect Morgul keeper Gr-"</p><p>"-and we've just got the report from the medics: Orogoth has had a major coronary infarction, that is to say a heart attack-"</p><p>"-which makes two in the quarterfinals alone!  Of course, there were ten in one match back in-"</p><p>"Enough with the stories, Bret!  Let me finish!"</p><p>"But that was an amusing story!  It was back in the First Age, the poor oppressed peoples of Middle Earth vs the Balrogs of Iron Hell!  Almost the whole oppressed-peoples team died of fright in the first five minutes of the match!  It's an historic game!"</p><p>"Yeah, okay, whatever.  But apparently Orogoth's heart failure was caused by - get this - overdose of anabolic steroids.  Steroids!  A dragon using steroids!"</p><p>"Hmm, that might explain those rippling haunches... that beastly tail... the fact that he could run up to forty miles an hour despite his weight..."</p><p>"Well, anyhow, it's no goal and Ered Mithrin is substituting- wait."</p><p>"There's some kind of altercation going on between the referee and Swafa the Great..."</p><p>"HA!  Orogoth's been posthumously red-carded for cheating!  Ha ha HA!"</p><p>"Posthumously red-carded?  They can't even do that!  I mean, steroids are bad and unsportsdragonly and all that, but COME ON..."</p><p>"So the dragons will not- OH!"</p><p>"Ha, that's... hoo boy.  Swafa in his anger just breathed fire on Figglenob-"</p><p>"-who is, of course, unharmed - though his robe looks a little worse-for-wear-"</p><p>"-and the wizard sure doesn't look happy.  And... RED CARD!  Gracious Ulmo in the Western Sea..."</p><p>"THREE red cards for Ered Mithrin now.  This gives the halflings a great advantage!"</p><p>"Hardly..."</p><p>"The dragons will now be playing with only eight against the hobbits' eleven, which... well, the Shire's still at a disadvantage, but it's less of a disadvantage."</p><p>"Give me a break, Ath..."</p><p>"Oh, nonsense, the match is almost over.  Hobbit ball!"</p><p>"Pondipot Longbrow takes it downfield - kicks to Bosco Lardbottom-"</p><p>"Lardbottom to Grandoc Goodbutter, who's dodging dragons right and left-"</p><p>"-and their plumes of fire-"</p><p>"Goodbutter's rump is aflame!  But he's still going to take a shot!"</p><p>"Slog thunders in to stop him-"</p><p>"Grandoc fakes to Ban Butzbindle-Bundlebom!  Butzbindle-Bundlebom fakes to Bandobras Took, and Took takes a shot before the dragons can react and-"</p><p>"-and Redgrave shoots a great blast of fire after the ball to scorch it all into cinders-"</p><p>"-but he misses by an INCH and the ball rolls into the Ered Mithrin goal!  SHIRE SCORES!  ...And that's the match!"</p><p>"Folks, what we've just witnessed is- well, is pretty much unprecedented.  The hobbits have just, against all odds, beaten the dragons 1-0.  I can't believe it.  The crowd is going insane."</p><p>"The dragon team are looking a little insane themselves.  After the repercussions from last match... I dunno, I'd get out of the stadium pretty fast."</p><p>"Which the halflings are doing, as fast as those short hairy little legs can carry them.  They've hoisted the Bullroarer aloft and are flanked by about a jillion shrieking preteen big people."</p><p>"Bret, let's leave."</p><p>"Hmm?  What's wrong, Ath, scared the dragons'll be doing a little laying waste here?"</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Well, I think you're just prejudiced.  Just because one stupid little-"</p><p>"Bret, Ortabong just incinerated the Shire goal.  WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW."</p><p>"Nonsense.  And now the spectators are pushing for the exits with a little more violence than before-"</p><p>"Bret-"</p><p>"I think I hear screaming-"</p><p>"BRET-"</p><p>"What's that whooshing sound?"</p><p>"BRET!  DRAGON!!!"</p><p>"Um, ladies and gentlemen, join us next time for the final quarterfinal match of the 1,463rd-"</p><p>"Fifty-third!  RUN!"</p><p>"-1,453rd Arda Cup!  We'll be there!!"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Links to the originals:<br/>https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3017024/1/They-Play-Soccer-in-Middle-Earth-Too<br/>https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3039471/1/Middle-Earth-Soccer-Continues-Mordor-v-Mirkwood<br/>https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3452373/1/Middle-Earth-Soccer-Hobbits-vs-Dragons</p></blockquote></div></div>
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